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See The Seams

by Bryn Rich

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1.
if i stay up for days without sleep and choke down black coffee to get through the week if i thrash all night and pour sweat through my sheets i’ve just been looking for you and if i go out walking alone cozy up to the first “open” light i see on i’ll laugh the loudest so nobody knows i’ve just been looking for you if the devil makes me do it his hands deep in my dreams you’ll only love me long enough to start to see the seams so i’ll wait until morning to pack ‘cause each time i leave town, i’m scared i won’t come back if you notice i’m gone or anyone asks i’ve just been looking for you
2.
the lights go on. they call your name. a circus tiger, you pace the cage so far from home. sold for parts. you fixed your teeth, they broke your heart just don’t let me die in l.a. success is safer from far away don’t let me die in l.a. too young to play your greatest hits feign your ignorance, pray for bliss alone again. too high to move. at the edge of the infinity pool just don’t let me die in l.a. success is safer from far away don’t let me die in l.a. say it’s gonna be ok say it’s gonna be ok just don’t let me die in l.a. success is safer from far away don’t let me die in l.a. it’s a luxury - the risk you take supporting roles we’re born to play
3.
i was scared i’d always be the kind of secret that you keep and spill to blue-eyed strangers when you’ve had too much to drink yours is still a face that i can draw from memory i wonder if you ever think of me i heard the west was won over amplifier hums and turned to 3d movies once the audience was gone maybe it was nothing more than salt on screaming slugs now can we just call it what it was? you walk through life with guilt to spare a cloud that trails you everywhere you’re so young, it’s so unfair beyond your years, beyond repair beyond your years, beyond repair we drink until we speak like we’re pulling out loose teeth and wrote of all our missives down in disappearing ink you could match them blow-for-blow and never miss a beat while i’ll just wince and turn the other cheek you walk through life with guilt to spare a cloud that trails you everywhere you’re so young, it’s so unfair beyond your years, beyond repair beyond your years, beyond repair but that’s a different story for a different day you know they’re gonna worry either way you walk through life with guilt to spare a cloud that trails you everywhere you’re so young, it’s so unfair beyond your years, beyond repair beyond your years, beyond repair
4.
julia, grieving, she stares at the ceiling like it’s gonna say something back silence is golden, she traces the crown molding like a train stuck on its track he’s never coming back survived by your children, the world of the living a sugar glaze over the past it was good ‘til it wasn’t, what he would’ve wanted a curtain in front of the cast he’s never coming back julia, grieving, with fifty good reasons to fifty-one good reasons not a day at a time, but then days will add up to a life wasted playing a part he’s never coming back
5.
each summer turned to fall vanilla scented candles degrees hung on the wall he never called. he never calls. your wilted muscles flexed on cherry cough drop mornings when you could see your breath did you pray that there’s something left? gather pieces of this mess and build a life from scratch did you keep your windows clean? waste your time with magazines and blank computer screens you know what i mean there’s some you don’t forget suffer through five semesters before the lessons clicked did you pray that there’s something left? gather pieces of this mess and build a life from scratch did you keep your windows clean? waste your time with magazines and blank computer screens you know what i mean did you pray that there’s something left? the burning smell of “real success.” top of your class. did you keep your windows clean? paint the front yard ‘til it’s green - just like the real thing oh, you know what i mean
6.
i used to know the score apple cheeked and summer born a blatant disregard for everyone who came before there’s streets that i don’t walk down anymore if you’d seen me at my best heart pounding out my chest these kids will pick at our remains until there’s nothing left there’s names i’ll only say under my breath if i needed a reminder when i start to feel unsure sometimes when I get bored and everything feels like a chore i like to take myself out on a quick self-guided tour of streets that i don’t walk down anymore the streets that i don’t walk down anymore
7.
Jessi 02:37
maybe i was lucky circling the drain the city never loved me but at least i ain’t afraid will you come back new? did your screws get loose? did you know you’d have to go so soon? something for the swimmers delivered with a wink the world’s not gonna listen why speak when you can sing? will you come back new? did your screws get loose? did you know you’d have to go so soon? play one for the wild ones play one for the bros play one for the babies the kids who’ll never know will you come back new? did your screws get loose? did you know you’d have to go so soon?
8.
i wanted california before the ceiling got too low my eyelids got too heavy and my hands they got too cold now i’m so afraid i’ll feel it everywhere i go it still haunts me he hoped the money’d change you, and eventually it did you’ll never see it coming if you don’t know what it is now you smile through pictures with his finger on the lens it still haunts me no matter what you do no matter where you go, it still finds you the plane went down in silence, no one shouted, screamed or cried they kept their seatbelts fastened and their tray tables upright their names were in the paper, like they’d won some kinda prize it still haunts me
9.
Spaulding 02:22
they can smell my fear get me out of here falling up the stairs touch me if you dare dance around the room darling, where were you? dance around the room darling, where were you?
10.
a place to live, a place to die a place to rise in three days time to fill our lungs with songs and rhymes and wipe the sleep out of our eyes i want to i don’t want to i want to i don’t want to i want to go a place that burns, a place that shines a sun to stare at ‘til i’m blind i brace myself for what we’ll find ’m close to understanding why i want to i don’t want to i want to i don’t want to i want to go
11.
someday, maybe any day somewhere far away from me someone, maybe anyone wild animals on terrific street lucky breathing on my dice you don’t need to tell me twice unsolicited advice something doesn’t feel quite right someday, maybe any day somewhere far away from me someone, maybe anyone wild animals on terrific street

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released June 21, 2019

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Bryn Rich Chicago, Illinois

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